{"id":4066,"date":"2025-04-03T11:38:59","date_gmt":"2025-04-03T02:38:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/shepherblog.com\/?p=4066"},"modified":"2025-11-30T18:07:35","modified_gmt":"2025-11-30T09:07:35","slug":"who-am-i-not-on-identity-change-and-the-true-self","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/openendedproject.com\/en\/who-am-i-not-on-identity-change-and-the-true-self\/","title":{"rendered":"Who Am I Not: On Identity, Change, and the True Self"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t

Who am I, when familiar identities fade?<\/h1>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t

From elementary school to university, “student” was always the core of my self-identity.<\/p>

No\u2014more precisely, it was being a good student<\/em>.<\/p>

Grades, teachers\u2019 evaluations, and personal expectations shaped my understanding of who I was.<\/p>

Back then, I knew exactly what my role was and what I needed to do to earn recognition.<\/p>

Then came a blank period between graduating from university and starting grad school.<\/p>

I thought I\u2019d feel free, but instead I felt lost.<\/p>

Like a boat drifting away from the dock\u2014finally free of its moorings, yet directionless. Released from the ropes, but with nowhere to anchor. Holding an anchor in hand, but with no destination in sight.<\/p>

Adrift in a vast ocean, I floated and wandered, more unsettled than ever before.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

\n\t\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t

A River\u2019s Reminder: We Are Always Changing<\/h1>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t

During that time, I reread some books and started to rethink what the \u201cself\u201d really means.<\/p>

There was one metaphor I especially liked:<\/p>

\u201cImagine yourself as a river.
A river is always flowing, but an essential part of a river is its banks.
Without the banks, there is no river.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>

The flowing water represents our ever-changing nature.<\/p>

We evolve through our experiences, emotions, and roles, always moving forward.<\/p>

The riverbanks represent the resilient and flexible boundaries that shape and contain the water, giving each river its unique and visible path.<\/p>

Seeing myself as a river helped me embrace change more gently, without treating every shift as a form of \u201closs.\u201d<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\"\"\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t

Shifting Identity Doesn\u2019t Mean Losing Yourself<\/h1>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t

This reminded me of a story shared by writer\u00a0Brad Stulberg<\/a>\u00a0in his book\u00a0Master of Change<\/a>.<\/p>

He said:<\/p>

“Whether or not I can lift the barbell today just doesn\u2019t matter as much as it used to.”<\/strong><\/p>

As a kid who was constantly bullied, he turned to American football to feel safer. Strength training became a way to prove his worth.<\/p>

Back then, the identity of \u201cathlete\u201d was almost everything to him.<\/p>

After entering college, he stopped playing football and started running marathons and competing in triathlons.<\/p>

He changed, but \u201csports\u201d still remained central to who he was.<\/p>

Effort, discipline, performance\u2014these were still the cornerstones of his identity.<\/p>

Fast forward, and Brad finds himself back in the gym, gripping a barbell, squatting down.<\/p>

But the reflection in the mirror is no longer the teenager desperate to prove himself, nor the young man obsessed with achievement.<\/p>

This time, he wasn\u2019t training to define<\/em> himself\u2014but simply to let movement accompany him in the process of becoming himself<\/em>.<\/p>

His identity had widened, softened, opened.<\/p>

He is now a husband, father, writer, coach, reader, friend.<\/p>

He no longer needs a single role to define his entire self.<\/p>

Like a river that keeps flowing and expanding, yet always remains the same river.
By allowing change, he became whole.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\"\"\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t

The Habitual Self and the Larger Self<\/h1>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t

What makes us so shaken in the face of change is that our identities are often tied too tightly to a specific goal, person, or concept.<\/p>

So when that role shifts or fades, we ask: Who am I now?<\/em><\/p>

In Buddhism, there\u2019s a theory of the self that draws a distinction between the \u201cconventional self\u201d and the \u201cultimate self.\u201d<\/p>

The conventional self<\/strong> is the one you use in daily life:<\/p>

The one reading this article, working on tasks, stopping at red lights.<\/p>

This self has clear roles and functions, grounded in the present, with defined boundaries.<\/p>

The ultimate self<\/strong>, on the other hand, is more fluid and expansive.<\/p>

It includes your interactions, your changes, your connections with others.
It holds your childhood, ancestral memory, environment, culture\u2014everything.<\/p>

It\u2019s the extended self, the evolving self, the \u201cme\u201d that exists within a larger field of life.<\/p>

Both selves are real,<\/p>

Just like the water and banks of a river\u2014they exist together to form the whole.<\/p>

But we can\u2019t live only in spiritual abstraction.
We still have to stop at red lights and deal with life\u2019s immediate problems.<\/p>

Nor can we live solely within our habitual roles and identities, forgetting that we are more than the sum of our parts.<\/p>

We are rivers flowing through different terrains, never fixed to a single shape or stretch of riverbank.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

\n\t\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t

The Pain of Change Lies in the Crumbling of Identity<\/h1>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t

What hurts most about change isn\u2019t always the change itself\u2014but how it shakes the familiar sense of who we are<\/em>.<\/p>

During the post-graduation limbo, I realized I\u2019d long centered my identity on being a student.<\/p>

School was a structured world with clear goals and metrics\u2014a place where effort translated into scores, and scores into self-worth.<\/p>

But when that identity left the stage, I felt abandoned\u2014like an orphan in the world.<\/p>

I\u2019d forgotten that I was more than just a \u201cstudent.\u201d<\/p>

I\u2019m a creator, a daughter, a mental health advocate, a reader.<\/p>

Someone who\u2019s drawn to cute animals, and especially fond of sheep.<\/p>

These roles might not have been so obvious before, but they were always there\u2014quietly shaping me.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

\n\t\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t

A Flexible Self is a Stable Self<\/h1>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t

What I\u2019ve learned since then is that the goal isn\u2019t to become some one true self<\/em>\u2014but to build a self made of many parts.<\/p>

Identity is like a house with many rooms.<\/p>

Each room represents a different part of life:<\/p>

Creator, child, partner, parent, athlete, healer, learner\u2026<\/p>

When one room changes\u2014an injury, a breakup, a retirement\u2014you still have other rooms to live in.<\/p>

Just like a river that flows through different terrains, sometimes rapid, sometimes slow.<\/p>

But it never stops being a river.<\/p>

Water can change shape, but its essence remains the same.<\/p>

So do we.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

\n\t\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t

Conclusion: I Am Not Someone\u2014And That\u2019s Why I Can Become Anyone<\/h1>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t

\u201cI\u2019m not someone\u201d\u2014that phrase might sound unsettling at first.
But actually, it means freedom.<\/p>\n

The freedom to flow, to change, to not be trapped by a single role.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t need a label to define who I am, nor do I need to re-earn my worth every time I shift.<\/p>\n

Some of the labels once stuck to me will fade; others will fall away and be replaced.<\/p>\n

Rather than clinging to the question \u201cWho am I?\u201d<\/em>,
perhaps it\u2019s more meaningful to ask:
\u201cWho am I becoming\u2014right now?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

There\u2019s no fixed answer there,
but there is endless possibility.<\/p>\n

\u201cLife is Open-Ended<\/b>\u201d\u2014that\u2019s why I write.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When identity shifts, we learn to see ourselves as a river\u2014ever-changing, yet whole.<\/p>","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":4068,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_kadence_starter_templates_imported_post":false,"_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"_kad_post_classname":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[86,11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4066","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-life-philosophy","category-all-articles"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/openendedproject.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4066","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/openendedproject.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/openendedproject.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/openendedproject.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/openendedproject.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4066"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/openendedproject.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4066\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4073,"href":"https:\/\/openendedproject.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4066\/revisions\/4073"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/openendedproject.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4068"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/openendedproject.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4066"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/openendedproject.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4066"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/openendedproject.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4066"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}